im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
