Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
