dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
