dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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