i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
