i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
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why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
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And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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