My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
