Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
