i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I checked into jail on foursquare
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and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!