Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out