don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him