well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
