there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
