Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
