Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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