I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
