The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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