i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
