so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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