She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
