I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
