The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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