how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.