UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.