took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.