I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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