i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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