She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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