hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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