ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
