you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
