I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.