i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.