Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The air was thick with penises
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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