I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.