i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.