god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy