Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!