forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am