Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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