I want to have your abortion
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs