3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug