hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.