Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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