fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
