my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize