I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
