i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
