OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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