dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
