im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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