Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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