I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Never underestimate the power of titties
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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