You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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