I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.