Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
