I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Enjoy the penises
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner