if you like me you must not know who I am
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
