i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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