just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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