no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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