life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dating After Heartbreak
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The uberlube is also flammable
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.