Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
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I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.