I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.