he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
